Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Sorry - this was suppose to post in the bowtie lounge and I don't know how to move it.

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart!" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

---THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

:D:D:D Another thing about old age, it's hard to get "movement"!:D:D:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

:D:D Thats a great post Rita. :D:D

but I can't remember half of it LOL:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

hey! I resemble that remark. Funny stuff RJ

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Glad you all enjoyed that one. Here are a few memorable quotations I hope you like as well.

Peace,
Rita


MEMORABLE QUOTATIONS

1. “Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’“

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

2. “I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’”

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

3. “Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

-- Mark Twain

4. “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

-- George Burns

5. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
-- Victor Borge


6. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
-- Mark Twain


7. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
-- Socrates


8. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
-- Groucho Marx

9. “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
-- Jimmy Durante

10. “I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

11. “Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”
-- Alex Levine


12. “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield

13. “Money can’t buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
-- Spike Milligan

14. “I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
-- Mark Twain

15. “Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.”
-- Joe Namath



16. “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

-- Bob Hope



17. “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

-- W.C. Fields



18. “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”

-- Will Rogers



19. “Don’t worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.”

-- Winston Churchill



20. “Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”

-- Phyllis Diller



21. “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

-- Billy Crystal



22. “The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.”

-- Anonymous

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

:D:D:D Those are GREAT, Rita!!!:D:D:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

*thumps on desk* Priceless!!!! Bwaaaaaaaahahahahahaa!! Some of those even rang as very true. At least I've still got my drivers license, even though I've plumb forgot where I parked the car. :D:D:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

"you talking about me", hey those are so funny, but so true.

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Well, I am so glad you all enjoyed them and no, not talking about any one person. More like all of us to one degree or another. :)

Here are a few more jokes you guys should enjoy and also all ladies with a sense of humor.


Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

:D:D:D You're funny, Rita!:D:D:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

I love these, thanks for the smiles. "Keep em going".

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

My pleasure, Corvette Lady. You know for the longest time I only went to the C5 Forum . . . didn't even notice this one . . . so glad I found you all.

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

************************************************** ********************
Take care, stay safe.
Rita

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Thanks, Starship, but I can't take the credit since I don't write them - just pass them along.

Take care, stay safe.
Rita

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Ooo, I know the answer to this one!!!! :D:D:D:D

Priceless, Rita!!! I was roarin' something serious when I read these posts. :D:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Sorry I didn't delete anything that was on the edge, I just copied and pasted. :(:(

Hope I didn't offend anyone.

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Be pretty hard to offend anyone here, my dear friend. No worries at all. I sincerely thought those were bloody funny!!! :D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Ya, well....If you didn't have such a great sence of humor, we would have missed them!:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Oh, now, you have made me blush . . . thank you so much for your kind words.

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

And now for a Blonde joke:

Subject: Blonde Football Analysis

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They
had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he
asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them
flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!"

“Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!”



************************************************** ******************
This one makes me laugh everytime I read it. :D
and yes, I am a blonde. :):)

Take care, stay safe.
Rita

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

:D:D:DThat's good , Rita!!!:D:D:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

*thumps on desk* Bwaaaahahahaha!!! OMG, that one was real good!! :D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

That just made my day!:)

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Rita, guess what, I am blonde also. Now a lot of water has flowed under the bridge. One day DH ask how long I was going to stay blonde. I told him when he looked at me for the last time as they lowered me in the ground that my hair would still be blonde. I get the blonde emails all the time.

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Yup, same here. I am going to the grave a blonde!! Of course, chemically enhanced.

Thank God for chemicals!!!!:D:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

AMEN, Rita, its just like driving a Corvette, you will never go back

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Well, how about some more blonde humor???

Subject: blonde guy

> An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on
> scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
> They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If
> I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump
> off this building."
> The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get
> burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
> The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna

> sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
> cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
> burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the
bologna
> and jumped to his death as well.
> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known
> how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have

> given it to him again!"
> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or
> enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
> The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He packs his own lunch."
>

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE -

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on theline
so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you."
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't
be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):) DITTO!

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

Bwaaaaaahahahaha!! There's comedy gold in them thar hills!!!! :D:D:D:D

RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge
 

rjensen - thanks for the laughs, although I am worried as I can relate to half of the items!
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