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Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

  #1  
Old 11-14-2006, 04:32 PM
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Default Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

Sorry - this was suppose to post in the bowtie lounge and I don't know how to move it.

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart!" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our *****. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

---THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
 
  #2  
Old 11-14-2006, 06:44 PM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge


ORIGINAL: rjensen

Sorry - this was suppose to post in the bowtie lounge and I don't know how to move it.

Another thing about old age, it's hard to get "movement"!
 
  #3  
Old 11-14-2006, 07:42 PM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

Thats a great post Rita.

but I can't remember half of it LOL
 
  #4  
Old 11-14-2006, 10:18 PM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

hey! I resemble that remark. Funny stuff RJ
 
  #5  
Old 11-15-2006, 12:53 AM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

Glad you all enjoyed that one. Here are a few memorable quotations I hope you like as well.

Peace,
Rita


MEMORABLE QUOTATIONS

1. “Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’“

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

2. “I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’”

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

3. “Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

-- Mark Twain

4. “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

-- George Burns

5. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
-- Victor Borge


6. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
-- Mark Twain


7. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
-- Socrates


8. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
-- Groucho Marx

9. “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
-- Jimmy Durante

10. “I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

11. “Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”
-- Alex Levine


12. “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
-- Rodney Dangerfield

13. “Money can’t buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
-- Spike Milligan

14. “I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
-- Mark Twain

15. “Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.”
-- Joe Namath



16. “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

-- Bob Hope



17. “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

-- W.C. Fields



18. “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”

-- Will Rogers



19. “Don’t worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.”

-- Winston Churchill



20. “Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”

-- Phyllis Diller



21. “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

-- Billy Crystal



22. “The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.”

-- Anonymous

 
  #6  
Old 11-15-2006, 09:47 AM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

Those are GREAT, Rita!!!
 
  #7  
Old 11-15-2006, 01:23 PM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

*thumps on desk* Priceless!!!! Bwaaaaaaaahahahahahaa!! Some of those even rang as very true. At least I've still got my drivers license, even though I've plumb forgot where I parked the car.
 
  #8  
Old 11-15-2006, 02:11 PM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

"you talking about me", hey those are so funny, but so true.
 
  #9  
Old 11-16-2006, 01:30 AM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

Well, I am so glad you all enjoyed them and no, not talking about any one person. More like all of us to one degree or another.

Here are a few more jokes you guys should enjoy and also all ladies with a sense of humor.


Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------




 
  #10  
Old 11-16-2006, 10:17 AM
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Default RE: Old age - meant for Bowtie Lounge

You're funny, Rita!
 

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