LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." _______________________________________ FAMILY [/b]Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get That forgetful,knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________ LITTLE LADY:[/b] A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

 

_______________________________________ OLD FRIENDS [/b] Now this one is just too Precious...lolTwo elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

_______________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING [/b]As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

 

[sm=happybounce.gif]You're just flat wipin' me out George!!!

 

While cruisin' with a friend the other day, we were headed down main street and came to a red light. Zoom.....ran right through it. We came to another red light, again, Zoom....right through it. Next light was green and SCREEECH, we came to a halt. I said,"the light is green, why did ya stop?" He replied, "my brother is in town, and he drives just like I do!"

 

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY






30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only fourteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9 . My fiance, Bobbie Jo, fifteen years old, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

07. Checkmate

06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

04. I don't have a favorite college team.

03. You Guys.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!!!!!
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DUCK HUNTING

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Missouri.He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over thefence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him whathe was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck.It fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieveit."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, andyou are not coming over here."

Theindignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in theUnited Statesand, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue youand take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled andsaid, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Missouri. We settle small disagreements like this with the "ThreeKick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the disputeoccurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kickme three times and so on back and forth until someone givesup."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up tothe attorney. His first kick planted thetoe of his heavy steel toedwork boot into the lawyer's groin anddropped him to his knees. Hissecond kick to the midriff sent thelawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on allfours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent himface-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summonedevery bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.Wiping hisface with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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I was afraid I knew the answer to that question... alas, I was correct, and now regret asking.

Bwaaaaaaaahahahahahah!!! Those were great, George, but I am pretty sure we can remove the word "presumed" from the above bit there.....

 

George, those old folks jokes sounded like they were ripped from a page here in the city I live in!!! Every week, some elderly person decides to embrace the gas pedal as the brake pedal, and somehow, magically, they end up INSIDE the store they are parked in front of...

And Dave, those jokes were bloody hysterical, bro! I particularily liked the lawyer one with the Roshambo game.... LOL "No, that's OK, you can have the duck!" *thumps on desk* Bwaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!!!