The Bowtie Lounge
#862
10-14-2007, 11:41 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
[align=center]I may have already posted this but what the hell[/align][align=center][/align][align=center][/align][align=center][/align]
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically!
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read,....."and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:........
"I think the man would have said: "Well, f*** me! A talkingpig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[/align]
[IMG]local://upfiles/2713/1B09BDF0F23E4306AC1D2CE8008A241F.jpg[/IMG]
#863
10-14-2007, 11:53 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
History 101
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the "Conservative movement". Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and
hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement".
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "girliemen". Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to ****
them off.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the "Conservative movement". Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and
hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement".
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "girliemen". Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to ****
them off.
#864
10-15-2007, 07:40 AM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
ORIGINAL: blueshark
History 101
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the "Conservative movement". Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and
hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement".
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "girliemen". Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to ****
them off.
History 101
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the "Conservative movement". Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and
hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement".
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "girliemen". Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to ****
them off.
#865
10-22-2007, 06:46 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Calmness in our lives
[/align][/align]I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all[/align]use a little more calmness in our lives.By following simple advice heard[/align]on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil[/align]proclaimed,"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you[/align]have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see[/align]all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house[/align]this morning,I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of[/align]Bailey's Irish Cream,a packageof Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac[/align]prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of[/align]chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please[/align]pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.[/align]
[/align][/align]I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all[/align]use a little more calmness in our lives.By following simple advice heard[/align]on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil[/align]proclaimed,"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you[/align]have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see[/align]all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house[/align]this morning,I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of[/align]Bailey's Irish Cream,a packageof Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac[/align]prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of[/align]chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please[/align]pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.[/align]
#866
11-08-2007, 07:14 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Blonde Golfer [/align]
[/align]
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him asked the trio whether she could join them. [/align]
[/align]
Naturally, the guys all agreed. [/align]
[/align]
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots." [/align]
[/align]
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. [/align]
[/align]
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. [/align]
[/align]
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." [/align]
[/align]
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." [/align]
[/align]
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. [/align]
[/align]
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. [/align]
[/align]
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. [/align]
[/align]
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. [/align]
[/align]
She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night. [/align]
[/align]
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." [/align]
[/align]
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup." [/align]
[/align]
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."[/align]
#867
11-08-2007, 07:39 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
[sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=happybounce.gif][sm=funnypostabove.gif]( Bein' a G-pa myself, I can appreciate the spontinuity of the ol' guy.
)
#868
11-08-2007, 07:44 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."
The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."
The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
