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Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on aholiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmasspirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Gonext door, where they're serving rum *****.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like finesingle-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarerthan single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other timeof year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turninto an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoyit. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the wholepoint of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it withgravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made withskim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?It's like buying a sports car with an automatictransmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in aneffort to control your eating. The whole point of going toa Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.Lotsof it.Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between nowand New Year's. You can do that in January when you havenothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, whichyou'll need after circling the buffet table while carryinga 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffettable, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape andsize of Santa, position yourself near them and don'tbudge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centerof attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. Ifyou leave them behind, you're never going to see themagain.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a sliceof each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two applesand one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you getto have more than one dessert?Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded[b][b][font

 

[sm=icon_rock.gif]4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made withskim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?It's like buying a sports car with an automatictransmission.[sm=icon_rock.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif][sm=icon_rofl.gif]

 

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa[/align]

 

LOL!

 

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL :
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSONCOOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it in the future unless I change my mind.

NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
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....and why are there dead possums all over the road?

The chickens are using them, to check for traffic. [sm=icon_rofl.gif]

 

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door A young boy, about 9, opened the door.


"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.


"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."


"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"


"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"He went with Mom and Dad."


The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."


"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."


The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

 

GOD BLESS THE PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US..

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church
for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and
community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my
parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak
with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I
didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap
if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out
some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in
everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine,
crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug
problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

 

Amen Brother

 

Depression & Outsourcing



I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.