The Bowtie Lounge
#911
02-13-2008, 11:58 AM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Hopefully this is a new one....
A Blonde and a Brunette are walking past a florists' shop when the brunette looks in the window and groans aloud "Oh no!" What's the matter? asks the blonde. "My boyfriend is in there buying me flowers again" says the brunette. What's wrong with that? asks the blonde. "Well, he always has expectations and I don't feel like spending the weekend on my back with my legs in the air" says the brunette. What's the matter? asks the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"
[sm=icon_cheers.gif]
A Blonde and a Brunette are walking past a florists' shop when the brunette looks in the window and groans aloud "Oh no!" What's the matter? asks the blonde. "My boyfriend is in there buying me flowers again" says the brunette. What's wrong with that? asks the blonde. "Well, he always has expectations and I don't feel like spending the weekend on my back with my legs in the air" says the brunette. What's the matter? asks the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"
[sm=icon_cheers.gif]
#913
03-01-2008, 01:41 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a
copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
#914
03-03-2008, 11:13 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Bottled water: Evian spelled backwards is Naive.
4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Do Lipton Tea employees take a coffee break?
Could lightning go faster if it didn't zigzag?
Whatever happened to Preperations A thru G?
4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Do Lipton Tea employees take a coffee break?
Could lightning go faster if it didn't zigzag?
Whatever happened to Preperations A thru G?
#915
03-06-2008, 11:04 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Here's one I found earlier.
A midget Cowboy in Montana went to the doctor because his ********* ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants.
The doc put one finger under the midget's left ******** and told him to
turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.
'Hmmm..', mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right ********,
He asked the midget to cough again, 'Hmmm, I see the problem,' said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his ********* still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office
and discovered his ********* were no longer aching. The midget said,
"That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?'
The Doctor replied, 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'
A midget Cowboy in Montana went to the doctor because his ********* ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants.
The doc put one finger under the midget's left ******** and told him to
turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.
'Hmmm..', mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right ********,
He asked the midget to cough again, 'Hmmm, I see the problem,' said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his ********* still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office
and discovered his ********* were no longer aching. The midget said,
"That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?'
The Doctor replied, 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'
#916
03-08-2008, 07:02 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Being from Montana... we call those North Dakota jokes... but it's still a good one.
This North Dakotan goes into his doctors office complaning of blinding headaches and debilitating backaches. The doctor says hes seen this problem before, and it can be fixed, but it would require the removal of both his *********. The guy figures 'what the hell... it can't hurt any more than those headaches' so he goes for it.
A week later he's out of the hospital, completly cured of all his pain. He feels so good that he decides to go to a tailor and have a whole new suit of clothes custom fit to his new... but modified body.
As he walks into the shop and tells the tailor what he wants, the tailor accurately tells him he's a perfect 38 long. "Thats right... a 38 long. Make it happen, and come to think of it, I'll need a new shirt too". The tailor sizes him up by eye... and tells him he is a 15 neck, and a 22 sleeve. The guy says thats correct... "I have truly come to the right place, and since we are at it I might as well get some new pants too. The tailor looks at him and says "you look like you're a 34 waist with a 32 inseam". The guy says thats correct, and since I'm getting new pants, I need a new pair of shorts too. I wear a size 28 breif... fix me up".
The tailor says... that can't be right, you're a 34. If you wear a 28, your ***** would be so bunched up against your spine your back would hurt all the time, and the headaches would be blinding.
[align=left] [/align]
This North Dakotan goes into his doctors office complaning of blinding headaches and debilitating backaches. The doctor says hes seen this problem before, and it can be fixed, but it would require the removal of both his *********. The guy figures 'what the hell... it can't hurt any more than those headaches' so he goes for it.
A week later he's out of the hospital, completly cured of all his pain. He feels so good that he decides to go to a tailor and have a whole new suit of clothes custom fit to his new... but modified body.
As he walks into the shop and tells the tailor what he wants, the tailor accurately tells him he's a perfect 38 long. "Thats right... a 38 long. Make it happen, and come to think of it, I'll need a new shirt too". The tailor sizes him up by eye... and tells him he is a 15 neck, and a 22 sleeve. The guy says thats correct... "I have truly come to the right place, and since we are at it I might as well get some new pants too. The tailor looks at him and says "you look like you're a 34 waist with a 32 inseam". The guy says thats correct, and since I'm getting new pants, I need a new pair of shorts too. I wear a size 28 breif... fix me up".
The tailor says... that can't be right, you're a 34. If you wear a 28, your ***** would be so bunched up against your spine your back would hurt all the time, and the headaches would be blinding.
[align=left] [/align]
#917
03-13-2008, 02:42 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Subject: Gates vs GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
#918
03-13-2008, 02:46 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
ORIGINAL: Wedge
Being from Montana... we call those North Dakota jokes... but it's still a good one.
This North Dakotan goes into his doctors office complaning of blinding headaches and debilitating backaches. The doctor says hes seen this problem before, and it can be fixed, but it would require the removal of both his *********. The guy figures 'what the hell... it can't hurt any more than those headaches' so he goes for it.
A week later he's out of the hospital, completly cured of all his pain. He feels so good that he decides to go to a tailor and have a whole new suit of clothes custom fit to his new... but modified body.
As he walks into the shop and tells the tailor what he wants, the tailor accurately tells him he's a perfect 38 long. "Thats right... a 38 long. Make it happen, and come to think of it, I'll need a new shirt too". The tailor sizes him up by eye... and tells him he is a 15 neck, and a 22 sleeve. The guy says thats correct... "I have truly come to the right place, and since we are at it I might as well get some new pants too. The tailor looks at him and says "you look like you're a 34 waist with a 32 inseam". The guy says thats correct, and since I'm getting new pants, I need a new pair of shorts too. I wear a size 28 breif... fix me up".
The tailor says... that can't be right, you're a 34. If you wear a 28, your ***** would be so bunched up against your spine your back would hurt all the time, and the headaches would be blinding.
[align=left][/align]
Being from Montana... we call those North Dakota jokes... but it's still a good one.
This North Dakotan goes into his doctors office complaning of blinding headaches and debilitating backaches. The doctor says hes seen this problem before, and it can be fixed, but it would require the removal of both his *********. The guy figures 'what the hell... it can't hurt any more than those headaches' so he goes for it.
A week later he's out of the hospital, completly cured of all his pain. He feels so good that he decides to go to a tailor and have a whole new suit of clothes custom fit to his new... but modified body.
As he walks into the shop and tells the tailor what he wants, the tailor accurately tells him he's a perfect 38 long. "Thats right... a 38 long. Make it happen, and come to think of it, I'll need a new shirt too". The tailor sizes him up by eye... and tells him he is a 15 neck, and a 22 sleeve. The guy says thats correct... "I have truly come to the right place, and since we are at it I might as well get some new pants too. The tailor looks at him and says "you look like you're a 34 waist with a 32 inseam". The guy says thats correct, and since I'm getting new pants, I need a new pair of shorts too. I wear a size 28 breif... fix me up".
The tailor says... that can't be right, you're a 34. If you wear a 28, your ***** would be so bunched up against your spine your back would hurt all the time, and the headaches would be blinding.
[align=left][/align]
LMAO!That's funny!Poor misinformed bastard!
#920
03-28-2008, 09:47 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Grannies on the Road
This could be some of us in a few years....or evennow?
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said to him, 'Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?' The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error...
'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.'
'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got
offRoute 127.'