Drunk Driver

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

'I can't do that, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.'

'Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.'

'Alright, we could get a blood sample.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.'

'Fine then, just walk this white line.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm drunk.'

 

Turtles and Picnics and a Minor Tragedy

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."

 

Hollywood Lessons

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

-All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

-At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

-All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

-Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

-You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

-If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

-If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

I wouldn't go either!


The Mole Family

Papa mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell Maple syrup"!
Moma mole sticks her head out and says, " I smell honey"!
The baby mole tries to stick his head out and says, "All I ever smell, is Mole A$$e$"!

 

Bwaaaaaahahaha, that was a sickly sweet joke, bro!

 

And when the terror gets too close, they always run up stairs, when the quickest route of escape is through the door right behind them. LOL

 

There's a place for all God's creatures,
....right next to the potatoes and gravy.

Vegitarian, and old indian word for....
BAD HUNTER!

 

What's the dif between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb!

 

*thumps on desk* Bwaaaaaaahahahahah!!! Thank God for McDonalds, bro, otherwise this dude never woulda made it outta his bachelor years.

Ohhhhhhhh, BADA ZZZZZZZZZZZING!!!!

 

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and go out to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. They won't even know the difference."

The manager does as he is told; the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first geezer says, "You know, I think my girl was dead."

"Dead?" says his friend. "Why would you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why on earth would you say that?"

"Well, when I was making love to her, I kissed her on the neck and gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window."