Dear Abby:[/align][/align]

[/align][/align]

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull**** with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless[/align][/align]

[/align][/align]


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. [/align]
Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.

You're a United States Senator from New York .

Act like one![/align][/align]

 

poor Hilary!

 

[sm=icon_rofl.gif]LMAO...that was a good one, I didn't see that coming.

 

Stare into the cat's
eyes for just 10 seconds....



NOW PLEASE SCROLL DOWN






~THANK YOU ~


YOUR CAT SCAN
IS NOW COMPLETE.



*That will be $1500 please!

(There was supposed to be a pic with this, Sorry!)

 

*thumps on desk* ME TOO!!!!

*thump; falls outta chair* Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!

 

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...
If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…
If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…
If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…
If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…
If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…
If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…
If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…
If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground
the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…
Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…
Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted…
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do…
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before…
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves…
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back…
Everything can be filed under “pending.�…
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour…
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing…
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail…
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it…
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk…
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t…
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done…
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying…
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried…
Following the rules will not get the job done…
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?�…
No matter how much you do, you never do enough…
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong…

 

These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

 

That's the best humor I've seen in the truth, in a long time!

 

Subject: Her Diary - His Diary



HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly,
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he
didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to
my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.....

 

New Wave Dictionary[/align][/align]CROP DUSTING: Surreptitious flatulence while passing thru a cube farm, or any other public place, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (this often leads to PRAIRIE *******).[/align]