The Bowtie Lounge
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,328
From: Dickson, TN.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
History 101
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the "Conservative movement". Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and
hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement".
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "girliemen". Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to ****
them off.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the "Conservative movement". Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and
hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement".
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "girliemen". Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to ****
them off.
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,328
From: Dickson, TN.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the deputies' expense. Deputy says, "License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me
the ticket, if not, you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes
out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the deputies' expense. Deputy says, "License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me
the ticket, if not, you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes
out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
ORIGINAL: rjensen
Subject: Not my dog[/align][/align]
[/align]I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY.
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE
COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT.
Sign You're Driving Too Fast.......
[/align]
[IMG]local://upfiles/2390/C80485A8B5C3406AAAF9C2C86965F42E.jpg[/IMG]
Subject: Not my dog[/align][/align]
[/align]I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY.
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE
COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT.
Sign You're Driving Too Fast.......
[/align]
[IMG]local://upfiles/2390/C80485A8B5C3406AAAF9C2C86965F42E.jpg[/IMG]
ORIGINAL: blueshark
Mrs. and Mr. Hillery Clinton
[IMG]local://upfiles/2713/4F2680FC09FF4B4692D60FD291140E38.jpg[/IMG]
Mrs. and Mr. Hillery Clinton
[IMG]local://upfiles/2713/4F2680FC09FF4B4692D60FD291140E38.jpg[/IMG]
ORIGINAL: blueshark
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the deputies' expense. Deputy says, "License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me
the ticket, if not, you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes
out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the deputies' expense. Deputy says, "License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me
the ticket, if not, you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes
out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
That might be one of the funniest things I've EVER read!!
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
New Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management