After I had been married for 53 years, I took a look at my wife and said,
"Sweetheart, 53 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 13-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 21 year-old auburn-haired gal.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 74 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
21 year-old auburn-haired woman, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 13-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women GREAT? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crises![/align]

 

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!! Good Lord, that was funny....

I love my wife with ALL my heart; she solved my mid-life crisis with helping me find our Corvette.... now THAT'S a mid-life crisis.

 

String in the Pants = Clean Hands

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half way through, he dropped his spoon. When the waiter came around to see if everything was ok, the man told him he needed a new spoon. So the waiter pulled one out if his pouch.

The man asked, "I was just wondering, why do you keep spoons in your pouch?"

The waiter answered, "To save time."

So the man went on eating his soup. After about 15 minutes, the waiter came by to see if everything was ok. The man said everything was delicious. He noticed that a string was hanging out of the waiters pants, so he asked, "I was just wondering, why do you have a string hanging out of your zipper?"

The waiter answered, "It saves time so that we don't have to wash our hands."

Then the man asked, "But don't you have to touch the doorknob to the bathroom?"

The waiter said, "I dont know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon ."

 

Harvard Graduate

How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

 

25 Fun Pool Activities

1 - Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2 - Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3 - Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4 - Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5 - Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6 - Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7 - Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8 - Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, 'Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'

9 - Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10 - Swim near someone and go 'Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here.'

11 - Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12 - Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say 'HA-HA, fooled you!'

13 - Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14 - Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15 - Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16 - Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17 - Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18 - Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19 - When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20 - Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say 'Wheee! I'm Batman!' while running around.

21 - Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22 - Throw people's things into the pool.

23 - Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24 - Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25 - Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

 

The Blonde and the Blinker

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.

So the blonde looks out the window and says, 'Yes. No. Yes. No.'

 

Having to Take a Whisper

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, "Mommy, I have to ****."

The mother said, "Son don't say **** in church. Next time you have to ****, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite."

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, "Daddy I have to whisper."

The father said, "OK. Here, whisper in my ear."

 

You're full of it today T. S.!!!

 

I can't really explain why, T. S., but this made me think of you!

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

 

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"