I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

 

Well, I'm full of somethin', bro!!

Bwaaaaaaaaahahahahahah!!! I know EXACTLY why you thought of me with that one, bro! It fits like a perfect glove!!

Are you sure we haven't hung out before?? That joke really sounds like a typical night you and I woulda had....

*snap salute* DAMN, bro, that's a good one!!
[sm=americanasmiley.gif]

*thumps on desk* BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Lordy!

 

Ducks and Elephants

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.

 

Different Ways To Say 'You're Stupid'

- A few clowns short of a circus.
- A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
- A few beers short of a six-pack.
- Dumber than a box of hair.
- A few peas short of a casserole.
- Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
- The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
- One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
- One taco short of a combination plate.
- A few feathers short of a whole duck.
- All foam, no beer.
- The cheese slid off her cracker.
- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- As smart as bait.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
- Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
- Forgot to pay her brain bill.
- Her sewing machine's out of thread.
- His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
- His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
- If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
- No grain in the silo.
- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
- Receiver is off the hook.
- Several nuts short of a full pouch.
- Skylight leaks a little.
- Slinky's kinked.
- Surfing in Nebraska.
- Too much yardage between the goal posts.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- The lights are on, but nobody's home.
- 24 cents short of a quarter.

 

Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!
5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?
1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.

 

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?




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3031 People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.




[/align][/align][/align][/align]



[/align][/align][/align][/align]
6263 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?




[/align][/align][/align][/align]
8485[/color] When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!




[/align][/align][/align][/align]
106107[/font]When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.




[/align][/align][/align][/align]



[/align][/align][/align][/align]
144145 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

168169.When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.




[/align][/align][/align][/align]



[/align][/align][/align][/align]
218219When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?




[/align][/align][/align][/align]



[/align][/align][/align][/align]
256257 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

 

Why, Why, Why [/align]





Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... [/align]The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. [/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]

 

Subject: The Funeral

Chaim died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the
last guests departed, his wife, Sarah, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Chaim would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Rachel, who lowered her voice and
leaned in close. "How much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah. "Fifty thousand."

"No!" Rachel exclaimed. I mean, it was very nice, but really, $50,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the temple.
The shiva food and drinks are another $500. The rest went for the
memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big
is it?!"

"Two and a half carats".

 

History 101

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the "Conservative movement". Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and
hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal movement".

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "girliemen". Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to
divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to ****
them off.

 

Best reply for a "Dear John"

A marine stationed in Afganistan recieved a letter from his girlfriend back home

It reads as follows:


"Dear Ricky, I can nolonger continue our relationship. The distance between us is just to great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I am sorry. please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky"


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any pictures they could spare of their girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, sisters, mothers, aunts, cousins, etc.In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the pictures he collected from his buddyies. There were 57 pictures in the envelope....... along with this note:......



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