10 Ways to Annoy Cops

10 - Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

9 - When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

8 - Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

7 - Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

6 - Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

5 - Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

4 - Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

3 - When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

2 - Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

1 - When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

 

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?

A: He plays with Pooh

 

Safe Sex for Rednecks

Q. How do rednecks have safe sex?

A. They mark the sheep that kick!

 

Eagles and Weasels

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

Oh Lordy Bro....(gasp) love them redneck jokes!!!

So officer......
Is it true y'all have a "Crispy Cream" charge card?

Every time I go past the pasture, all the little lambs call out, "Da-a-a-a-a-dy!"

 

Subject: Al, Bill, and Hillary
>
>Al Gore, Bill and Hillary Clinton go to Heaven.
>
>God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
>
>Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but
>that it was your will that I did not serve, and I've
>come to understand that now."
>
>God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good.
>Come and sit at my left."
>
>God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe
>in?"
>
>Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned,
>but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man,
>and I hope no grudges are held against me."
>
>God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven,
>my son. Come and sit at my right."
>
>God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you
>believe in?"
>
>"I believe you're in my chair."

 

Hey T.S. and Starship!
Haven't been on the Forum much while busy with family stuff, but golly, you guys sure know how to make me laugh!! These are so funny!

My dad is slowly getting better, that is if the idiots at the hospital don't kill him due to substandard care and neglect; but God is so good to our family and I feel hisguiding hand more than ever.

Hope all is well with you and yours.
Take care, stay safe.
RJ

 

Rectum Stretcher
[/align]While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop,
"what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what
does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting
one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four,
then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get
both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6
feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS[/align]

 

*snarfs coffee on monitor* Bwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaa!!! Them thar jokes are RIPE, Dave!! Bwaaaaaaaahahahaha!!!

Funny you should post that bit on the rectum stretcher... I swear to God I met that dude (the stretched rectum with the speed gun) before!

Oh man, Rita... I am so happy to hear that your Dad is on the mend like that, but I don't like how you are concerned about his level of care there. Mrs. TopSpeed is a nurse here, and I have to say we are noticing this up here in Canada, too.

You guys are in our thoughts and prayers here, Rita. Best wishes, my friend.

 

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your ***** is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the ***** and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"