A'ight! Time for a larf. Here's an oldy, but it sure is a funny one!
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The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.”

I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.”

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let's go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

 

Well, my good friends here at CorvetteForums... my software release finally got done today, thanks to several 12-14 hour days on my part. I'm barely standin' straight, right tuckered out. So, I am taking tomorrow off as a holiday day. I will be back on Monday, however, terrorizing you all as normal.

I wish each and every one of you a fantastic weekend. Keep the shiny side up! [8D]

 

Now that's funny. ROLF

 

So there's 2 muffins in the oven, one muffin looks at the other muffin and says "it's really F- in hot in here", the other muffin looks over and says "holy Sh*t a talking muffin."

A mans girlfriend gets home and says to her husband "I hate you, I just got word that you are a pedofile" the man looks at her in amazement and says "Wow that is a huge word for a 12 year old."

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing you already said it twice......

I have tons more but those will do for now.

 

What did the Vette say to the Mustang?
Nuthin', the Mustang wouldn't understand anyway!

What did the Mustang say to the Vette?
Nuthin', they just don't speak the same language!

I invited a Mustang owner to a drag race, he showed up in a dress and wearin' track shoes.

 

Ohhh sweet Lord, those are ripe!!!!

Here's a beaut that always makes me laugh, what, bein' an engineer an' all myself....
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An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

 

OOOOOHHHHH........YAAAAA!!!!

A guy traded his '78 Vette in for a '06 Mustang. About a mile from the car lot, the front bumper fell off and the car ran over it flattening both front tires, the doors fell off, and as the new Mustang slid off the road, it went into the ditch tearing out the rear end and then slid up the bank and slamed into a telephone pole. The guy staggered out of the car, looked up in the sky and said, "Why me?, What'd I do?"
Just then a '63 split window Vette pulled up. A grey bearded, grey haired old man leaned out the window and said, "You Pi$$ed me off!!" and then cruised away.

 

A new study by the Chinese was just released to the public. It stated that 1% of the worlds population has cataracts. The other 99% have Rincolns and Chevrorets.

 

That's good, I rike it!!!

 

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"