The Bowtie Lounge
#651
03-05-2007, 10:25 AM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Little ol' lady.....
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 8 6 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 8 6 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
#652
03-06-2007, 02:21 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
ORIGINAL: C3 Starship
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
>
>
>
> Here is a little test that will help you decide.
> The answer can be found by posing the following question:
>
>
>
> You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
> and two small children.Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
> comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
> screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
>
>You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have
> mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
>
> .................................................. .............
>
>
>
> THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Democrat's Answer:
>
>
> Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
>
> Does the man look poor or oppressed?
>
> Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
>
> him to attack?
>
>
>
> Could we run away?
>
> What does my wife think?
>
> What about the kids?
>
> Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
>
> the knife out of his hand?
>
>
>
> What does the law say
>
> about this situation?
>
>
>
> Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
>
> Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
>
> of message does this send to society and to my children?
>
>
>
>
> Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
>
> Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
>
> content just to wound me?
>
>
>
>
> If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
>
> family get away while he was stabbing me?
>
> Should I call 9-1-1?
>
> Why is this street so deserted?
>
> We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
>
> make this happier, healthier street that would
>
> discourage such behavior.
>
>
>
>
> This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
>
> some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
>
>
>
> .................................................. ..........
>
>
>
> Republican's Answer:
>
>
> BANG!
>
>
>
>
>
> Southerner's Answer:
>
>
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>
> BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>
> BANG! Click
>
> Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
>
>Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
>
> Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
>
> Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
>
>
>
> Here is a little test that will help you decide.
> The answer can be found by posing the following question:
>
>
>
> You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
> and two small children.Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
> comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
> screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
>
>You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have
> mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
>
> .................................................. .............
>
>
>
> THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Democrat's Answer:
>
>
> Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
>
> Does the man look poor or oppressed?
>
> Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
>
> him to attack?
>
>
>
> Could we run away?
>
> What does my wife think?
>
> What about the kids?
>
> Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
>
> the knife out of his hand?
>
>
>
> What does the law say
>
> about this situation?
>
>
>
> Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
>
> Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
>
> of message does this send to society and to my children?
>
>
>
>
> Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
>
> Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
>
> content just to wound me?
>
>
>
>
> If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
>
> family get away while he was stabbing me?
>
> Should I call 9-1-1?
>
> Why is this street so deserted?
>
> We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
>
> make this happier, healthier street that would
>
> discourage such behavior.
>
>
>
>
> This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
>
> some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
>
>
>
> .................................................. ..........
>
>
>
> Republican's Answer:
>
>
> BANG!
>
>
>
>
>
> Southerner's Answer:
>
>
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>
> BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>
> BANG! Click
>
> Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
>
>Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
>
> Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
>
> Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Oh Lordy, I love that one!!!
#653
03-06-2007, 02:22 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
ORIGINAL: C3 Starship
<..snip..>
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
<..snip..>
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
#654
03-06-2007, 02:24 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Skin Transplant Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever
repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever
repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
#655
03-06-2007, 02:28 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond...
Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta?
Oh, grand! It's Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Crotchetta. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Crotchetta? Rather silly, when you think about it?
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. "Honey Rider" is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there's no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I'm calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that's kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It’s a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during Mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me.â€
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren’t meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he's your boy. Anyway, you didn’t notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself. They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you'd think I'd been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually there's no facility. Just an island. And me. But they'e building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it'll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What's that supposed to mean?
Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta?
Oh, grand! It's Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Crotchetta. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Crotchetta? Rather silly, when you think about it?
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. "Honey Rider" is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there's no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I'm calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that's kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It’s a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during Mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me.â€
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren’t meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he's your boy. Anyway, you didn’t notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself. They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you'd think I'd been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually there's no facility. Just an island. And me. But they'e building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it'll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What's that supposed to mean?
#656
03-06-2007, 02:31 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Charming
Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
