Oh Schmidt Bro!!!.....(takes another breath).......those are .........(gasp)........funny!!!

 

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a p ress r elease stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ < SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; BACKGROUND: white; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would ope rate i n the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[/align]

 

Bob's Story[/align][/align]It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, itbecomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping aswhen they were younger. [/align][/align]When you notice this, try not to yell at them.Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitivewoman.[/align][/align][/align]My name is Symon. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,Debbie.[/align]When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessaryforDebbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, bothfor extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly aftershe started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.[/align][/align][/align]I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she getshome from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost alwayssays she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.[/align]Idon't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.[/align]I generally have lunch in the Men'sGrill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for somehome cooked grub when I hit that door.[/align][/align][/align]She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it'snot unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours afterdinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times eachevening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciatesthis, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goesto bed.[/align][/align][/align]Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.[/align]For example she willsay that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly billsduring her lunch hour.[/align][/align]But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so Ijust smile and offer encouragement. [/align]I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.[/align][/align][/align]I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn'thurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one ofmy strong points.[/align][/align][/align]When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing theyard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself anice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for with me awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.[/align][/align][/align]I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men[font="times new roman"][color=#0000bf][size=4][i]will find it

 

*thumps on desk*

BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAA!!

Those are tres ripe, bro!!!

The Microsoft one hit real close to home for me....

And the one with the "supportive husband".... yeh, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that that sordid tale ends in his early demise.

 

Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

 

Holy Water + Castor Oil

What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?

A religious movement!

 

Pet Zebra

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?

Spot

 

Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):

[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____
Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

 

You sure find some good ones Bro!!!

 

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
>
>
>
> Here is a little test that will help you decide.
> The answer can be found by posing the following question:
>
>
>
> You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
> and two small children.Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
> comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
> screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
>
>You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have
> mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
>
> .................................................. .............
>
>
>
> THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Democrat's Answer:
>
>
> Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
>
> Does the man look poor or oppressed?
>
> Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
>
> him to attack?
>
>
>
> Could we run away?
>
> What does my wife think?
>
> What about the kids?
>
> Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
>
> the knife out of his hand?
>
>
>
> What does the law say
>
> about this situation?
>
>
>
> Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
>
> Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
>
> of message does this send to society and to my children?
>
>
>
>
> Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
>
> Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
>
> content just to wound me?
>
>
>
>
> If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
>
> family get away while he was stabbing me?
>
> Should I call 9-1-1?
>
> Why is this street so deserted?
>
> We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
>
> make this happier, healthier street that would
>
> discourage such behavior.
>
>
>
>
> This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
>
> some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
>
>
>
> .................................................. ..........
>
>
>
> Republican's Answer:
>
>
> BANG!
>
>
>
>
>
> Southerner's Answer:
>
>
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>
> BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>
> BANG! Click
>
> Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
>
>Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
>
> Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
>
> Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!