The Bowtie Lounge
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Mozart Beyond the Grave
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
A Scot's Tale
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to **********!"
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to **********. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin, now!"
So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again!" says the Highlander.
"I can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to **********!"
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to **********. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin, now!"
So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again!" says the Highlander.
"I can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,244
From: Reno, Nv.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
TO: ! GOD:
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers! , scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my ********* back?
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers! , scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my ********* back?
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 25
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Professor's Wife
[size=2 arial, helvetica, sans-serif]A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter that I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love, do not wait up![/size]
[size=2 arial, helvetica, sans-serif]A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter that I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love, do not wait up![/size]
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 763
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Hey TopSpeed and Dave,
These are so funny . . . thanks so much for the smiles.
I doubt everyone is as lucky as we are here in the Corvette Forum -
to have moderators that are so good at their jobs and funny, too!
Take care, stay safe.
RJ
These are so funny . . . thanks so much for the smiles.
I doubt everyone is as lucky as we are here in the Corvette Forum -
to have moderators that are so good at their jobs and funny, too!
Take care, stay safe.
RJ
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,244
From: Reno, Nv.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
ORIGINAL: rjensen
Hey TopSpeed and Dave,
These are so funny . . . thanks so much for the smiles.
I doubt everyone is as lucky as we are here in the Corvette Forum -
to have moderators that are so good at their jobs and funny, too!
Take care, stay safe.
RJ
Hey TopSpeed and Dave,
These are so funny . . . thanks so much for the smiles.
I doubt everyone is as lucky as we are here in the Corvette Forum -
to have moderators that are so good at their jobs and funny, too!
Take care, stay safe.
RJ
I'm glad to bring a smile once in a while, andI couldn't be affiliated with a finer group of friends.
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,244
From: Reno, Nv.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Subject: FEEL GOOD
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
