THE LAW:
'The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory indefense.
The sword is more important than the shield and skill is more important than either.
The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.'
- John Steinbeck

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun, 'cause a cop is too heavy.

4. America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the mall.

5. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

6. This is a bit dated, but... A reporter did a human interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a .45?'. The Ranger responded with, 'Because they don't make a .46.'

7. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

8. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

9. Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!

10. Gun control, is being able to hit your target.

 

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin'
An I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."

 

Why do Elk have such big antlers?........I guess it's a guy thing!.....

 

This is a little long ... but this is well worth the read. :-) Enjoy!!


Subject: FW: 3 Minute Management Course

LESSON: #1 of 5
>>A man is getting into the shower as his
>> wife is getting out when the doorbell rings.
>> The wife quickly wraps herself in a
>> towel and runs downstairs. She opens the
>> door to find their next door neighbor, Bob. Before
>> she can say a word, Bob says, "I'll
>> give you $800 to drop that towel."
>> After thinking for a moment, she drops her towel and
>> stands naked in front of Bob.
>> After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
>> Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the
>> bathroom, her husband asks,
>> "Who was that?"
>> "It was Bob," she replied.
>> "Great!" her husband says, "Did he say
>> anything about the $800 he owed me?"
>>
>> MORAL OF THE STORY: If you share critical
>> information pertaining to credit and
>> Risk with you shareholders (and management team), in
>> time, you may be in a position
>> to prevent avoidable exposure.

>> LESSON: #2 of 5
>> A priest offered a nun a lift. As she
>> sat in the car, she could not help but reveal
>> a little leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
>> After getting the car under control, he
>> stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>> The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm
>> 129?"
>> He removed his hand, but changing gears,
>> he let his hand slide up her leg yet again.
>> The nun once again said, "Father,
>> remember Psalm 129?"
>> The priest apologized, "Sorry sister,
>> but the flesh is weak."
>> Arriving at the convent, the nun went on
>> her way.
>> On his arrival at the church, the priest
>> rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said:
>> 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
>> glory.'
>>
>> MORAL OF THE STORY: If you are not well informed in
>> your job, you might miss a
>> great opportunity.

>> LESSON: #3 of 5
>> A sales rep, an administrative clerk,
>> and their manager are walking to lunch,
>> when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it,
>> and a genie pops out, proclaiming,
>> "I'll give each of you just one wish."
>> "Me first! Me first!" says the
>> administrative clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
>> Driving a speedboat without a care in the world." ...
>> Poof - she's gone!
>> "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
>> "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
>> the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
>> supply of Pina Coladas, and the love
>> of my life." ... Poof - he's gone!
>> "OK, your turn, " the Genie says to the
>> manager.
>> The manager states, "I want those two
>> back in the office after lunch."
>>
>> MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the
>> first say.

>> LESSON: #4 of 5
>> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting,
>> doing nothing.
>> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked
>> him, "Can I also sit like you and
>> do nothing?"
>> "Sure, why not," replied the eagle. So,
>> the rabbit sat on the ground
>> below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
>> appeared, jumped on the
>> rabbit, and ate it.
>>
>> MORAL OF THE STORY: To be sitting and doing
>> nothing, you must be sitting
>> very, very high up.
>>
>> LESSON: #5 of 5
>> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
>> "I would love to be able to get to the
>> top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but
>> I haven't the energy."
>> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of
>> my droppings?" replied the bull.
>> "They're packed with nutrients."
>> The turkey pecked at a lump of cow dung
>> and found it actually gave him enough
>> strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
>> The next day, after eating some more
>> dung, he reached the 2nd branch. Finally, after a
>> fourth night, the turkey was proudly
>> perched at the top of the tree.
>> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
>> shot him out of the tree.
>>
>> MORAL OF THE STORY: Bull**** might get you to the
>> top, but it won't keep you there.
>>
>> This ends the 3 minute management course ... Now get
>> back to work.

 

dths

 

[/color]IMPORT TERMINOLOGY[/color]


All Motor
Definition: No nitrous, no blower, or turbo.
Sentence: That guy wanted to race our Camaro "all motor." We didn't know what that meant so we beat him with nitrous.

Crew
Definition: The guys that do stuff for the driver, anytime, anywhere.
Sentence: I sent some guys from the crew to return my videos.

DOHC
Definition: Dual Overhead Cam.
Sentence: I felt so sick, I had to see the DOHC.

Gran Turismo 2
Definition: A video game import guys love 'cause their street cars are slow.
Sentence: I spun my Acura playing GT2 and then spilled milk on the sofa.

Jug Kit
Definition: Big bore or stroker engine kits.
Sentence: I put the 2.0L jug kit in my Acura.

Liter
Definition: Measure of engine displacement.
Sentence: I took my 1.6L Honda to the store and bought 2.0 liters of Coke.

LSD
Definition: Limited-slip differential/transaxle (it's in front).
Sentence: I dropped my LSD before the race and couldn't qualify.

NOPI
Definition: Summit of import retail guys selling stuff.
Sentence: I picked up a plastic ground effects kit and a 2-foot wing at the NOPI show.

Pop-off or blow-off valve
Definition: The vent that vents excess turbo boost to the atmosphere.
Sentence: My blow-off valve is bigger than your blow-off valve.

SOHC
Definition: Single overhead cam.
Sentence: When I do laundry, I always manage to lose a SOHC.

Three-inch
Definition: The minimum size for exhaust tips.
Sentence: My 1-inch exhaust system feeds my big chrome muffler and 3-inch tip.

Torque
Definition: Never mind, imports don't have any.

VTEC[/color]
Definition: Variable timing and lift electronic control.
Sentence: Instead of changing cams, I smacked my VTEC with a hammer.[/color]
[color=#000000]
[color=#000000]
[color=#000000]
[color=#000000]
[color=#000000][color=#000000]YOU MIGHT HAVE TO MUCH HORSEPOWER IF ...

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner.
32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust.
33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal.
34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments.
35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown.
36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELLOUT.
37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart.
38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That's right ....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE.
39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east.
40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels.
41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.
42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.
43. Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel.
44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road.
45. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.
46. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile."

 

Polish Digital Clock
The University of Poland science students have finally finished their digital clock they have been working on for 4 years.
Go to this site to see the results:
http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html
Wait for it to load. This is a real clock, and it's accurate!!

 

 

oops...didnt work

 

Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married

to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping

room on a Trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they

were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...



He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.



At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach

into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'



I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's

pretend that we're married.'



Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f&*kin' blanket.'



After a moment of silence, he farted.



The End