hahaaheeheeehoohho, that was one good joke....the best i've found so far...

 

PRICELESS!!

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them, a single rose!
Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins andcringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight."
I love you darling!
Love,
Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating breakfast. Joe asks: "Son...what happened last night"?
"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it. Then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door".
Confused, he asked his son, "So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me".
His son replies: "Oh that!!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married"!!

Broken Coffee Table $239.00

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirin $ .38

Saying the right thing at the right time "PRICLESS"

 

Very good!!!


Here's another one.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter i s waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it
in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't
under stand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

 

That was good Lee. Seems very fitting for the politicians of this age., but that's another subject I don't want to go in to..............

 

Ain't that the truth! PG.

 

Only a person in TENNESSEE could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol
parked outside a bar in Paris , Tennessee . After last call
the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing..

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on
five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and
fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started
the car, switched the wipers on and offit was a fine, dry
summer night, flicked the bli nke rs on and off a couple
of times, honked the horn and the n switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
little and then remained still for a few more minutes as
some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last,
when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time,
now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer
test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask
you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer
equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Hillbilly.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

 

Great Joke!

 

That was great.
Rosa says, 'Been there, done that, an' every body thinks us Hillbillys is stupid.

 

My grandfather is a city homicide detective. He was telling me this true story:

My grandfather was testifying in a murder case that he investigated. While observing the rest of the trial, a new witness was on the stand. The defense attorney stood for the cross-examination. The defene attorney said, "So the suspect apparently entered the bar and began shooting at random, is that correct?" The witness respons, "Well, uh, I remember being at the bar with, uh, lets see, George, Joe, John, and Sam. I don't really remember anyone named 'Random'."

 

Now that was good! ROFLOL!!!