No worries, Rita! I'm pretty thick skinned! You shouldn't see what I won't post!

 

Thank you for understanding.

You can always tell a girl that has grown up with all brothers . . . I consider myself richly blessed.)

 

Will I live to be 80?

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you
think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a schmidt?"

 

No kidding!! *raises hand* Guilty!!!

Thanks for postin' the funnies guys!! I loved 'em all. Keep 'em comin'!! I should have time again tomorrow to start sharing a few in here....

 

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1. The bartender is a blonde woman.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional boxer.
4. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a
professional wrestler.
5. I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

Naa, not if I am going to have to tell it five times.

 

*thud* Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!!! That was ripe!!

 

Here's a gem for all us rednecks out there....

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.



These Good Ole Boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

 

Two eggs

Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says “Man it’s hot in here.”

The other one says “Holy smokes; a talking egg!”





--------------------------------------------------------------
OK, that one was just bad. Like a rotten egg, really.

 

Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You

- How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
- Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
- That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

 

Accidental Bonding

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.

"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.

The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship."

"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share.

"I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"

"No, thanks," came the reply. "I'll just wait for the cops to get here."