New twist on an old joke

The Purina Diet


I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in
line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about
bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally
buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and
that the way it works is to load your pockets o r purse with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The
package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to
try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me
and was that why I ended up in the hospital.


I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.



I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door

 

Well, it took me a couple of tries, but here it is.....

My favorite E-mail !!!

 

Bwaaaaaaaahahahahaha, youse guys!!! GREAT jokes, by all! Rita, I just roared at your "mathematical formula" there... showed it to a few of the guys who work for me, just for fun. Laughter all 'round.

George, I love any joke that has some dude lickin' his butt; there's quality humour right there.

And Dave, I am so happy to see that you managed to get that picture posted!!! It's more truth than anything else, and brought a HUGE smile to my face.

I love this thread.....

 

Have you all noticed the number of views this thread has?.....10K plus....Glad I was able to help put smiles on some faces, no matter how few I have actually contributed. and thanks to everyone else for the great jokes and smiles you've given me. This thread was a great idea Scotty.Cheers

 

......and 52 pages and counting. Ol' T. S. comes up with some good ideas!
Thanks Bro, Great thread![sm=icon_rock.gif]

 

Subject: Thing people actualy say in Court!!

[align=center]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters whohad the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTOR! NEY: Wha t was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor,isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.[/u]
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.[/align]

 

Thanks for the laughter this morin' George!

Yesterday, we were sittin' around the break room discusing company bennifits. We got on the subject of eye glasses.
Our secretary spouted out, "I have perfect vision, I only need glasses to focus".
We all just looked at each other and rolled our eyes!
No, she's not a blonde, although she does have blonde highlights.

 

*eyes pop outta head* Whoaw, George, I hadn't really noticed!! Yikes, eh?? Thanks, George for the kind words, and of course, for all the input you've had here to make it what it truly is!!! You rock, my dear friend.

Thank YOU Dave!!! You've sure been a huge contributor to this thread, too, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that, bro.

 

*thumps on desk* YOUSE GUYS ARE KILLIN ME HERE!!! Bwaaaaaaaahahahahah!! Classic stuff, gentlemen!!!

 

First-Time Golfer

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.