The Bowtie Lounge
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,328
From: Dickson, TN.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
May as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an Altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
Whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
May as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an Altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
Whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,328
From: Dickson, TN.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,244
From: Reno, Nv.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
AHHHHhhhh........HAAAAAaaaa.........*snort* *cough* HAAAaaa......(knocks coffe cup on floor).....HAAAAaaaa.. (papers fall into coffe puddle)....O.K.,....you did it......come clean up the mess!!!
(location of the dirt bag.....[sm=happybounce.gif])
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 763
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Subject: Philosophy of Stress Management[/align]
[/align]
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
"Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're In the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
[/align]
[/align]
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
"Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're In the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
[/align]
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,328
From: Dickson, TN.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Had to post this. don't mean to offend anyone.
It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Do to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of “Try Saying†new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an affective manner.
1) Try saying:
I think you could use more training.
Instead of:
You don’t know what the f**k you are doing.
2) Try saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter
Instead of:
She’s a ball busting bitch.
3) Try saying:
Perhaps I can work late.
Instead of:
And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
4) Try saying:
I’m certain that’s not feasible.
Instead of:
No f**king way
5) Try saying:
Really?
Instead of:
You’ve got to be Sh!tting me.
6) Try saying:
Perhaps you should check with….
Instead of:
Tell someone who gives a ****.
7) Try saying:
I wasn’t involved in that project.
Instead of:
It’s not my f**king problem.
8) Try saying:
That’s interesting.
Instead of:
What the f**k?
9) Try saying:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
Instead of:
This **** won’t work
10) Try saying:
I’ll try to schedule that.
Instead of:
Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) Try saying:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
Instead of:
He’s got his head up his a$$.
12) Try saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead of:
Eat **** and die.
13) Try saying:
So you weren’t happy with it?
Instead of:
Kiss my a$$.
14) Try saying:
I don’t think you understand.
Instead of:
Shove it up you’re a$$.
15) Try saying:
I love a challenge.
Instead of:
This job sucks.
16) Try saying:
You want me to take care of that?
Instead of:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
17) Try saying:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
Instead of:
F**k it, I’m on salary.
18) Try saying:
I see
Instead of:
Blow me.
19) Try saying:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
Instead of:
He’s a *****.
It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Do to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of “Try Saying†new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an affective manner.
1) Try saying:
I think you could use more training.
Instead of:
You don’t know what the f**k you are doing.
2) Try saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter
Instead of:
She’s a ball busting bitch.
3) Try saying:
Perhaps I can work late.
Instead of:
And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
4) Try saying:
I’m certain that’s not feasible.
Instead of:
No f**king way
5) Try saying:
Really?
Instead of:
You’ve got to be Sh!tting me.
6) Try saying:
Perhaps you should check with….
Instead of:
Tell someone who gives a ****.
7) Try saying:
I wasn’t involved in that project.
Instead of:
It’s not my f**king problem.
8) Try saying:
That’s interesting.
Instead of:
What the f**k?
9) Try saying:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
Instead of:
This **** won’t work
10) Try saying:
I’ll try to schedule that.
Instead of:
Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) Try saying:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
Instead of:
He’s got his head up his a$$.
12) Try saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead of:
Eat **** and die.
13) Try saying:
So you weren’t happy with it?
Instead of:
Kiss my a$$.
14) Try saying:
I don’t think you understand.
Instead of:
Shove it up you’re a$$.
15) Try saying:
I love a challenge.
Instead of:
This job sucks.
16) Try saying:
You want me to take care of that?
Instead of:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
17) Try saying:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
Instead of:
F**k it, I’m on salary.
18) Try saying:
I see
Instead of:
Blow me.
19) Try saying:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
Instead of:
He’s a *****.
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,244
From: Reno, Nv.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Nutrition and Health
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
E-vil
A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."
She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:
"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.
Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."
The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."
Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?"
So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."
A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.
Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."
There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.
A new page appears.
It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."
A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."
She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:
"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.
Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."
The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."
Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?"
So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."
A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.
Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."
There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.
A new page appears.
It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."