The Bowtie Lounge
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
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RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Drunk and Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Gassy Granny
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,244
From: Reno, Nv.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
*spit, sputter.....snif sniff* Oh Bro....those are great!! [/align][/align]Since you brought up the subject.......[/align][/align]Subject: stuttering[/align][/align][/align]A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beingsare the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the
Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fluck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
[/align][/align]
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Wife's Confessions
A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. "It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you."
He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: "How many times? And when?"
The wife responded, "Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?"
The husband stared. "You mean you're the one who got him to?"
His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. "I guess that's okay. Any other times?"
"Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time... I kinda..."
"Ah, you're the one who made it possible."
The husband looked honestly relieved. "Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?"
She nodded. "One more."
The husband leaned forward. "Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?"
A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. "It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you."
He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: "How many times? And when?"
The wife responded, "Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?"
The husband stared. "You mean you're the one who got him to?"
His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. "I guess that's okay. Any other times?"
"Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time... I kinda..."
"Ah, you're the one who made it possible."
The husband looked honestly relieved. "Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?"
She nodded. "One more."
The husband leaned forward. "Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?"
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Bra Shopping
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?â€
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?â€
The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?â€
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?â€
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?â€
The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?â€
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,091
From:
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
The Wrong Way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,328
From: Dickson, TN.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
[blockquote]
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? [/align]
Unique Up On It. [/align]
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? [/align]
Tame Way, Unique Up On It. [/align]
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? [/align]
They Take The Psycho Path [/align]
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? [/align]
You Boil The H^(^*^(^$%$$ell Out Of It. [/align]
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? [/align]
Da^(*^m! [/align]
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? [/align]
Polaroid's [/align]
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? [/align]
A Stick [/align]
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? [/align]
Nacho Cheese. [/align]
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? [/align]
Subordinate Clauses. [/align]
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? [/align]
Quattro Sinko.. [/align]
1! 1. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? [/align]
Spoiled Milk. [/align]
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? [/align]
Frostbite. [/align]
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? [/align]
A Nervous Wreck. [/align]
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? [/align]
Anyone Can Roast Beef. [/align]
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? [/align]
Right Where You Left Him. [/align]
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? [/align]
Because They Have Big Fingers. [/align]
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? [/align]
Because It Scares The Dog. [/align]
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? [/align]
Sanka. [/align]
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? [/align]
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.[/align]
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? [/align]
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. [/align]
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? [/align]
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! [/align]
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. [/align]
22. How Are a TexasTornado And a TennesseeDivorce The Same? [/align]
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer [/align]
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile! [/align][/blockquote]
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? [/align]
Unique Up On It. [/align]
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? [/align]
Tame Way, Unique Up On It. [/align]
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? [/align]
They Take The Psycho Path [/align]
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? [/align]
You Boil The H^(^*^(^$%$$ell Out Of It. [/align]
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? [/align]
Da^(*^m! [/align]
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? [/align]
Polaroid's [/align]
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? [/align]
A Stick [/align]
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? [/align]
Nacho Cheese. [/align]
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? [/align]
Subordinate Clauses. [/align]
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? [/align]
Quattro Sinko.. [/align]
1! 1. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? [/align]
Spoiled Milk. [/align]
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? [/align]
Frostbite. [/align]
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? [/align]
A Nervous Wreck. [/align]
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? [/align]
Anyone Can Roast Beef. [/align]
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? [/align]
Right Where You Left Him. [/align]
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? [/align]
Because They Have Big Fingers. [/align]
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? [/align]
Because It Scares The Dog. [/align]
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? [/align]
Sanka. [/align]
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? [/align]
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.[/align]
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? [/align]
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. [/align]
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? [/align]
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! [/align]
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. [/align]
22. How Are a TexasTornado And a TennesseeDivorce The Same? [/align]
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer [/align]
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile! [/align][/blockquote]
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,328
From: Dickson, TN.
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
A Quick Storyfor my Irish- and Would Be IrishFriends:
An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beersand orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man WhoOrders Three Beers."
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry,but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I havetwo brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia.Wepromised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers arealive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.
An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beersand orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man WhoOrders Three Beers."
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry,but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I havetwo brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia.Wepromised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers arealive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.