The Bowtie Lounge
#831
06-08-2007, 09:47 AM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Ya' gotta love these!
Ultimate police comments
These 16 Police Comments were taken off
actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder
Than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
Birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means
I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift
supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
That again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
You are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
You go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and
Step in monkey crap."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
Gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to,
But now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
Friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Ultimate police comments
These 16 Police Comments were taken off
actual police car videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder
Than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
Birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means
I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift
supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
That again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
You are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
You go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and
Step in monkey crap."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
Gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to,
But now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
Friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here."
#832
06-11-2007, 07:39 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me "
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts of Indiana and Louisiana.
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me "
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts of Indiana and Louisiana.
#833
06-14-2007, 09:02 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Leroy,
"I did a teacher when I was in school, didn't make me cool."
Ralph,
"Dude, you were home schooled!"
"I did a teacher when I was in school, didn't make me cool."
Ralph,
"Dude, you were home schooled!"
#834
06-15-2007, 10:50 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
ORIGINAL: 94blackC4
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He goes up to the bartender and says "i'll have two beers. One for me, and one for the road!"
How do you sink a polish ship?
Put it in water.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Right where you left it.
Thats is from me for today guys lol. I had my fun
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He goes up to the bartender and says "i'll have two beers. One for me, and one for the road!"
How do you sink a polish ship?
Put it in water.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
Right where you left it.
Thats is from me for today guys lol. I had my fun
Two atoms were walking down the street one day, and they saw coming toward them one of their buddy atoms. He was looking glum, downcast, and really dejected.
“Hey buddy, what’s the matter?â€, one of the two atoms said to their buddy. “You get the dreaded intake vacuum leak on yer C4?â€
Their buddy replied, “Oh woe is me, woe is me. The end is near; this is just terrible. Yeah, I got the vacuum leak, and nowmy instrument cluster is toast, but that’s the good news. The bad news is that I’ve lost an electron.â€
The two atoms gasped in horror. “Are you sure?â€, they asked him.
“Yes, I’m positive.â€
#835
06-15-2007, 10:56 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
ORIGINAL: C3 Starship
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me "
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts of Indiana and Louisiana.
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me "
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts of Indiana and Louisiana.
#836
07-11-2007, 09:01 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note, these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, You probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS, the shotgun formation,or BASEBALL.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note, these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, You probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS, the shotgun formation,or BASEBALL.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.
#837
07-30-2007, 09:46 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
Subject: hillbilly honeymoon
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.
The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, 'Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.'
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs.
He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says, 'Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!'
The son says, 'Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!'
'God, son! You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.
The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, 'Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.'
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs.
He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says, 'Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!'
The son says, 'Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!'
'God, son! You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!
#838
08-07-2007, 06:40 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
> The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine
> > walked the entire length looking
> >
> > for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
> > well dressed, middle-aged French
> >
> > woman's poodle.
> >
> > The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that
> > seat?" The French woman just
> >
> > sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans
> > are so rude. My little Fifi is using
> >
> > that seat."
> >
> > The Marine walked the entire train again, but the
> > only seat left was under that dog.
> >
> > "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired"
> > She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you
> > are also arrogant!"
> >
> > This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just
> > picked up the little dog, tossed it out
> >
> > the train window, and sat down.
> >
> > The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!
> > This American should be put in his place!"
> >
> > An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir,
> > you Americans often seem to have
> >
> > a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the
> > fork in the wrong hand.
> >
> > You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
> >
> > And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch
> > out the window!
> > walked the entire length looking
> >
> > for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
> > well dressed, middle-aged French
> >
> > woman's poodle.
> >
> > The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that
> > seat?" The French woman just
> >
> > sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans
> > are so rude. My little Fifi is using
> >
> > that seat."
> >
> > The Marine walked the entire train again, but the
> > only seat left was under that dog.
> >
> > "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired"
> > She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you
> > are also arrogant!"
> >
> > This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just
> > picked up the little dog, tossed it out
> >
> > the train window, and sat down.
> >
> > The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!
> > This American should be put in his place!"
> >
> > An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir,
> > you Americans often seem to have
> >
> > a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the
> > fork in the wrong hand.
> >
> > You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
> >
> > And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch
> > out the window!
#839
08-09-2007, 10:27 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
When a woman wears leather clothing,
A man's heart beats quicker,his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
She smells like a new Vette !
#840
08-29-2007, 06:16 PM
RE: The Bowtie Lounge
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
[/align]The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a downloadfrom my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:.........
[/align][/align]"you got Male!"
[/align]
[/align][/align]