Fish On The Wall

What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

Dam!

 

Congressman's Money

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

 

[sm=icon_rofl.gif]Those are great Bro, now hear this......


Second Opinion....

The doctor said, "Jack, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on
your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********."

Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44
long."

Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Jack tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Jack admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?"

Jack thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Jack and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."


Jack was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Jack tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Jack walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"

Jack thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."

Jack laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

[/align]
New suit - $400[/align]New shirt - $36[/align]New underwear - $6[/align]Second opinion - PRICELESS[/align][/align]

 

Terrorist captured

[IMG]local://upfiles/2713/85B77F1018D84C10B0252B2A55FFE47D.jpg[/IMG]

 

BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!! Youse guys are killin' me here, today!!! *thumps on desk*

 

Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

Afghani TV Guide

MONDAY:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"


TUESDAY:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"


WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"


THURSDAY:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"


FRIDAY:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

 

G-spot vs. a Golfball

What is the differnce between a golf ball and a G-spot?

A guy will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

 

Scotty...You forgot the sign for the radiator shop..." Best place in town to take a leak"

 

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said, "Joe, you've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."